


now you are a memory

by neon_lights21



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Empathy, I Tried, Jeon Wonwoo-centric, Lee Seokmin | DK-centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Philosophy, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-10-01 16:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20337265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_lights21/pseuds/neon_lights21
Summary: Seokmin wanted nothing more than the pain to go away.Wonwoo wanted nothing more than to take Seokmin's pain away.But of course, everything comes at a price.





	now you are a memory

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly tried but I don't know how this turned out

Wonwoo flopped down into the van seat beside Seokmin, with Jun on the other side of him. It was late and he was tired, ready to become one with his bed as soon as they arrived home. He barely managed to keep his eyes open, but he was so tired that he couldn’t fall asleep and catch a few but precious minutes of sleep during the ride. Instead, every time he dozed off, his head would jerk forward and make the muscles in his neck cramp painfully, so he gave up trying to fall asleep, choosing to look at the road from Seokmin’s side of the car. He wasn’t in a better shape either, leaning his pale face against the slightly rolled down window. The wind brought in the pleasant and refreshing smell of a cool summer night, but the smell of smoke made it too heavy to be enjoyable.

Trees and cars passed by in a blur, and Wonwoo’s eyes closed again, but this time, instead of another neck cramp, they snapped open to a whisper, barely audible in the humming of the car’s engine.

_ Please. _

Wonwoo looked around, but no one was paying attention to him. Seokmin was sleeping despite his head bumping repeatedly against the window and Jun was watching a video on his phone. He looked back, but no one seemed to have spoken. Wonwoo shrugged, settling back into his seat with a deep sigh. He had probably dreamt it.

_ Please, I- _

Wonwoo jerked forwards in his seat, clutching his head with a trembling hand. It was louder than a whisper this time and it sent a sharp pain searing through his head. It was starting to disappear when he felt a pang in his chest. An explosion of emotions, foreign and painful, took place right next to his heart. Everything happened at the same time. A lump formed in his throat, his eyes teared up, his chest tightened. The seatbelt around him suddenly felt too constricting and he fumbled with it with trembling fingers, not paying attention to how his palms stung as the edge of the seatbelt cut through his hands. He folded in on himself, hands pressed onto his stomach that was clenching painfully like it was trying to swallow itself. His breaths were becoming ragged and he felt something crawl up his throat. He wasn’t sure whether it was nausea or his body begging him to cry and release that _ thing _ that had latched itself onto it. He felt a hand on his back as he gulped in a huge amount of air, desperate to get some of it inside his lungs.

“What’s wrong?” Jun asked, rubbing his back.

Wonwoo shook his head. “I don’t- I don’t know.”

What was wrong? He had no idea. Why would Jun ask such a ridiculous question? He had been feeling fine the whole day. There was literally nothing that could have triggered what he was feeling at that moment. A panic attack? That was the closest thing that could be a logical explanation to it. But wasn’t he supposed to feel like he was dying? He was feeling pretty awful and he couldn’t take a deep enough breath for the love of him, but he didn’t really feel like he was dying. He was just feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded. Was it from the lack of oxygen? Then he was probably dying because people needed to breath to stay alive and it was becoming more and more uncomfortable to breath by the minute and he felt like someone had poured hot water down his throat and into his chest and he was pretty sure tears had escaped his eyes just like he wanted to escape that damn car because it was so small and there wasn’t enough air.

There were voices around him, some calling his name, but he couldn’t focus on anything they were saying. It was a jumbled mess of sounds. There were hands on his back and around his shoulders, burning his skin with every touch. Someone pushed him back into his seat, but Wonwoo kept his face covered with his hands. Tears leaked through his fingers. His chest was becoming so heavy that he was scared it would cave in and crush him. Someone -Jun?- pried his hands off his face, and suddenly Wonwoo could see and hear what was going on around him. 

The car had stopped, and Jun was holding his shaking wrists trying to tell him something. It took a few seconds before he heard the sounds coming out of Jun’s moving mouth. It was like a lighting, seen before being heard.

“-woo! What’s going on?”

Wonwoo shook his head. He could see and hear, but he couldn’t breath. Why couldn’t Jun fix that too?

“Let’s get some fresh air, alright?”

He sniffled as Jun leaned over him, trying to shake Seokmin awake to get them both out of the car.

“Seokmin. Seokmin! Wake up.”

But Seokmin didn’t stir and Jun continued shaking him. Every movement of Jun’s hands sent another wave of pain and heaviness in his chest, to the point where it was becoming unbearable to stay still.

“Stop!” Wonwoo screamed, and Jun immediately retracted his hand, taken aback.

“I think he’s unconscious,” Jun said to Jihoon, who was sitting behind him.

Wonwoo clutched his chest, shoulders hunching in.

“What? You need to get Wonwoo out of the car! Just get off from your side.”

“Be careful.”

The door opened and Jun grabbed Wonwoo’s shoulders, pulling him out of the car. Wonwoo heard a loud honk and air rushed past him as Jun muttered a curse, hurrying him to the other side of the car and sitting him on the ground. There were more voices around him, but Wonwoo kept his head between his knees until he heard sirens approaching them. There was more rushed speaking. Jun moved to his side and a woman dressed in orange lifted his head, speaking to him in a gentle voice.

“Can you tell me your name?” she asked.

“Wonwoo,” he said, peering over her shoulder to see more people strapping Seokmin onto a gurney.

He felt like a knife was being twisted in the middle of his chest, and he fell to the side retching on the grass he was sitting on. They had to stop touching Seokmin. They had to stop. It wasn’t right. Why didn’t they understand?

He felt his vision fade to black as someone lay him on his back, with something more sinister than a knife twisting in his chest.

* * *

Seokmin woke up feeling lighter than ever. There was no ache behind his eyes and he didn’t feel more exhausted than he had before going to sleep. Actually, he didn’t remember falling asleep. And the smell under his nose wasn’t the smell of his room. And that beeping sound wasn’t his alarm.

He opened his eyes and blinked at the white neon light on the ceiling a few times before looking around. There was an IV in one of his hands and there were other wires sticking out of him. Jihoon and Seungkwan were sitting on either side of him. Jihoon’s head was leaning back in his chair in a very uncomfortable looking angle while Seungkwan was busy typing something on his phone.

“What’s going on?” Seokmin asked in a hoarse voice.

Seungkwan dropped his phone and cursed loudly, making Jihoon jump out of his chair.

“Oh my god you’re awake!”

The heart monitor continued beeping steadily.

Seokmin cleared his throat. “What happened? Why am I in the hospital?”

Jihoon pursed his lips into a line. “You might want to explain that to us,” he said, clearly annoyed, but there was still a hint of concern in his eyes. “You passed out in the car. The doctors think it was dehydration and exhaustion.”

“But I feel fine,” Seokmin said like it was more of a question. “I’ve honestly never felt better.”

“Seriously though, I don’t want to lecture you but you know better than to let things get to this point.”

“I felt fine all day, though,” Seokmin insisted. “I mean, I kind of had a headache in the car but I was tired so it was all normal. I honestly feel rejuvenated.”

“Whatever. It’s probably all the goodies they put in your IV. We’re going to visit Wonwoo. I’ll ask the nurse to let you come with us.”

“Huh?”

“Oh right,” Seungkwan said, rubbing his face. “He kind of had an episode in the car so he’s here too. You’re hospital buddies now.”

“An episode?” Seokmin asked, frowning.

“Yeah, kind of like a panic attack.”

* * *

After being discharged, they met in the hospital’s parking lot. Seokmin looked at Wonwoo, who was leaning on their manager for support as his own legs were too wobbly for him to walk properly. The grin Seokmin had been wearing since the doctor told him he could go home faltered for a moment when he saw Wonwoo’s ashen face and half-closed eyes, but it didn’t last long. He felt euphoric. The last time he had felt so light like a feather and free of the weight that usually sat in his chest was probably when he hadn’t even learnt to walk yet. There was no tiredness settled so deep in his bones that didn’t go away no matter how much he slept. But guilt crept up his chest and round his neck like a snake for not feeling too worried about Wonwoo. Sure, Wonwoo had just had a panic attack that left him so shaken he couldn’t even stand on his own feet, but he was going to be fine, right? Wonwoo was good at handling stress. It wasn’t like him to have a panic attack out of nowhere. Was it out of nowhere though? Maybe something had happened and Wonwoo didn’t want to tell anyone. He should definitely ask.

Seokmin turned his head to Wonwoo, only to find him fast asleep. He would have to do it later.

Seokmin never got around to talking to Wonwoo about the incident. After two days of rest, they were thrown into their endless cycle of activities again and Seokmin’s misery returned after a full night’s sleep. It was laughable to feel more tired after sleeping for twelve hours straight and Seokmin should have got used to it after so many years, but it was never easy to adjust after tasting what happiness felt like after so long and having it ripped away from him without a warning.

He wondered what had changed in those few hours of bliss. Maybe it was the drugs they had given to him at the hospital. Everyone insisted that he was suffering from exhaustion, but he knew that wasn’t the case. Or maybe it was but he had been so drowned in feeling sorry for himself that he hadn’t noticed there was something actually wrong with him.

Maybe if he drove himself to his limits again his body would allow him to feel happy once again.

Days went by like that. Seokmin was back to his normal, feeling so empty yet full of emotion at the same time, yearning to reach out yet isolating himself from everyone. It wasn’t anything new. It had been going on for years and he had come to resent himself so much that he felt dirty on the inside, like how he felt after an intense workout session that left his body sticky with sweat. Disgusting, simply.

Seokmin never talked about it with anyone. His members would tell him that it wasn’t true, it was just a trick played on him by his own mind. Seokmin didn’t want to hear it. After all, how could it be a trick when he constantly felt that he could have done better, sung a little bit steadier, danced a little bit livelier. No one would care to listen to him. They would just tell him to stop believing all those things because they weren’t true. That was what he wanted to hear, but he hated feeling so pathetic and always in need of someone’s approval.

Soon enough, the memory of his short lived happiness started to fade away and Seokmin threw himself into practising for hours and hours until he was exhausted. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but he always felt good about himself when he dropped into his bed at three in the morning with his limbs aching and screaming at him to stop whatever he was doing to himself.

He didn’t want to, though. He didn’t see any reason to stop. If he couldn’t be useful for his own life, he had to at least lessen the burden of his existence on his bandmates. He didn’t know why he was in Seventeen anymore. The spark of enthusiasm that he had protected with all his might even at his lowest points was nowhere to be found.

He saw nothing when he looked into his own eyes in the practice room mirror. They were taking a break from the vigorous choreography and everyone was sprawled on the floor, except for Seokmin. He stood in the middle of the room, motionless as he stared at his figure in the mirror, feeling the familiar ache of wanting to cry in his chest. He saw so many flaws, even though not all of them were visible to the eye. He wanted to sprint forward and kick the mirror to see it smash into a million pieces. He imagined doing it. He imagined everyone reacting, some concerned, some surprised, some angry. It would be a scene to watch a hundred times from a hundred different angles. He wanted to get some reaction out of them, but he was afraid of what might happen next. It didn’t change the fact that he just wanted to be bundled up in a blanket by someone.

“What are you doing?” Wonwoo asked, putting a hand on Seokmin’s arm and making him flinch.

For a split second, Seokmin felt no pain in his chest. Instead, he felt the room spin around as he watched Wonwoo clutch his own chest. Seokmin’s heart thumped loudly in his ears.

“What are _ you _ doing?” he asked.

Wonwoo gulped before answering. “Nothing, just felt weird for a second. Why are you standing here like this?”

“Uh, nothing. I don’t know. Let’s go sit down, shall we?”

* * *

_ Please please please please please please please please. _

There it was again. That voice Wonwoo had heard in the car a few weeks before. He looked around the waiting room, but everyone was occupied and no one had spoken to him this time either. That voice was familiar, but he couldn’t put his finger on who it was. Wonwoo was starting to think that he was hearing voices until his eyes fell on Seokmin’s hunched form in the corner of the room. His legs moved of their own accord and took him to Seokmin, who was holding his head in his hands, tapping his feet in a rhythmic fashion. Wonwoo hesitated for a moment before putting a hand on Seokmin’s neck. The reaction was immediate, maybe too fast for Wonwoo to comprehend to its full extent. As soon as his hand came into contact with Seokmin’s neck, Wonwoo felt a familiar pang in his chest, like the one he had felt in the car, and then in the practice room. At the same time, Seokmin stood up abruptly, like he had been electrocuted. Seokmin’s eyes widened and he scratched the back of his neck with a trembling hand.

“Sorry,” Seokmin said with a sheepish smile, “I was drifting off and you startled me.”

Wonwoo ignored how the smile never reached his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” he said, “I shouldn’t have sneaked up on you. Just don’t be a couch hog anymore.”

“Whatever. I wasn’t even hogging it,” Seokmin said, already making space for Wonwoo on the couch.

Wonwoo made himself comfortable, sitting closer than necessary to Seokmin. He sighed and put his arms around the back of the couch.

“I hope the interview doesn’t take long,” he said after a few moments of silence, “I’m starving.”

Seokmin hummed in response, his eyes closed. The hole in Wonwoo’s chest grew, but it wasn’t as painful as it had been in the car those weeks ago. He didn’t think he would ever experience anything as harrowing as that again. A faint smile crept on Wonwoo’s face as Seokmin visibly relaxed, letting himself get carried away in the moment and finally giving Wonwoo a genuine smile.

Wonwoo had a theory now. All he needed to do was test it again.

* * *

The opportunity presented itself less than a week later. They were cramped backstage, waiting in the dark as lights swam around them, making an indecipherable jumble of sensations with the voices of the staff trying to make themselves heard over the loud chatter coming from the concert hall. Wonwoo looked to his side, where Seokmin was standing stiffly. An uncharacteristic nervousness was oozing off of him, contaminating the air around him. Wonwoo, took one of Seokmin’s trembling hands in his. This time the effect wasn’t instant. It took several seconds before Wonwoo felt the familiar tightness in his chest. A shiver ran through his spine, and all of his instincts were telling him to get away as fast as possible, but Wonwoo clutched Seokmin’s hand tighter, refusing to let go.

“You’ll do great,” Wonwoo said, loud enough only for the two of them to hear.

Seokmin gave him a confused look before breaking out into a grin.

“I know,” he said, despite the dampness of his eyes. “You’ll do great too.”

Wonwoo didn’t have to say anything in response. He returned Seokmin’s smile, looking straight into his eyes. He would willingly get lost in them.

After their concert ended, Wonwoo felt like he could drop dead on the spot despite the adrenaline coursing through his body. He breathed in deeply, willing the panic to go away, but his heart continued thumping hard despite his efforts to calm down. The only thing that kept him from having a full fledged panic attack was Seokmin’s blabbering. He seemed to have been filled with an endless amount of energy and he stayed glued to Wonwoo’s side as much as he could during the show, and when it had finally ended, he latched himself to Wonwoo like a koala.

And Wonwoo wasn’t about to complain. It had been so long since the last time he had seen Seokmin so carefree and just… happy that he didn’t want it to end. Every time Seokmin did so much as laugh or smile, he breathed new life into Wonwoo. Soon enough, he forgot about the bubbling panic in his chest and instead of crying from sadness, he cried because of laughing too much.

It was in moments like this that Wonwoo was reminded that he would do anything to keep Seokmin happy, because his happiness was Wonwoo’s happiness.

* * *

Seokmin had always liked being around Wonwoo. He had an aura that could put anyone at ease. And his smile, oh god his smile could light up his world. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept Seokmin going. He had come to understand the difference between simply being alive and actually living a long time ago, and Wonwoo made him _ live _. He felt full of energy, not the manic and euphoric kind that he had felt in the car. No, that scared him. It was too much. What Wonwoo made Seokmin feel was different. It was gentle and soft, as expected from him. Seokmin couldn’t have asked for more.

He had something good, something to be grateful for. Of course he wanted more of it. The thing with Wonwoo was that he was perceptive. He could tell something was wrong just by looking at someone and Seokmin wasn’t an exception. It startled him at first. After months of isolating himself and brushing off the concerned questions that had inevitably come in his way, Wonwoo was the one to reach out to him. It made Seokmin feel a little silly. After all he was the one with problems. It was his job to put a hand out, waiting and demanding for someone to take it. Logically, it shouldn’t have been Wonwoo. But it had been Wonwoo, and now there they were. Seokmin couldn’t help but smile whenever Wonwoo was around. 

It made being apart from him much more difficult, though. When Wonwoo wasn’t there to hold his hand, or brush a shoulder with him, Seokmin felt like he was going a hundred steps back into the shell of lies he had built around himself. It was strange to feel like crying just a moment after laughing his heart out and having the time of his life. Maybe it wasn’t real happiness. Maybe Seokmin was just tricking himself into thinking that he could be happy with Wonwoo, only to have his rose coloured glass shattered when he wasn’t around. The smithereens rained down on Seokmin, piercing his skin, his whole body, his chest, all too close to his heart.

It was starting to become unhealthy and Seokmin was perfectly aware of it, but then again when had his coping mechanisms ever been healthy? His mind wasn’t healthy. He was using Wonwoo as a coping mechanism. He was taking advantage of Wonwoo like he was an object free for him to use, stripped of his own free will. Yet Wonwoo kept insisting like a broken record that it was what he wanted, to be what made Seokmin happy. And he understood, to an extent. Seokmin wanted to be Wonwoo’s happiness as well, he just didn’t understand what Wonwoo had found loveable and worthy of his attention in him.

Wonwoo never once complained when Seokmin clung unto him like a desperate child. If anything, it was like Wonwoo actually seeked him out. That was the strangest thing in Seokmin’s eyes. Who in their right mind would want to spend more time with him when they were around each other all day anyway?

He often wondered if Wonwoo was doing it out of pity. Maybe he had finally realized how pathetic Seokmin actually was and having a heart as big as he had, Wonwoo had taken it upon himself to make him feel better.

But it was weird. It was like magic. Every time Wonwoo did so much as interlock their fingers, he would send jolts of shock through Seokmin’s body. At first he thought it was because he craved human contact so much. One would say it was easy to get when he was constantly surrounded by twelve other people, but Wonwoo was just different. Why did he always have to make things so complicated?

After a while, Seokmin started to realize that the shivers that ran down his spine weren’t just his body’s reaction to being so affectionately touched. It was something so different that he didn’t know how to describe it. Sometimes it was sinister, sometimes it was loving, but there was always something more to it and Seokmin could never put his finger on it.

Weeks passed before he finally started to make sense of a crazy idea in his mind. He didn’t even dare put it in words, but he had to test it somehow and in hindsight, he should have done it much, much sooner.

Seokmin waited until he was having a bad day, a very bad one. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence anymore. He had become used to it and he would even miss them when he didn’t have them. Something twisted in the pain he felt on those days made him feel good. And he knew he deserved it.

The first person he went to was Jeonghan, who always knew how to listen to him rant for hours on those days. Seokmin was grateful and talking with Jeonghan always made him feel better, putting a smile on his face more often than not.

But Wonwoo’s presence was different. Seokmin invited Wonwoo to his room, bumping into him on purpose when he made his way to Seokmin’s bed. The effect was instant. Wonwoo’s face scrunched a little and he hunched his shoulders almost unnoticeably before he sat down nonchalantly. Seokmin on the other hand, felt like a whole weight had been lifted off his body. But on whose body had it been placed on afterwards?

“Don’t you think it’s weird how I always seem to magically feel better when I’m around you?” Seokmin asked. He couldn’t be bothered to start talking nonsense and gradually guide the conversation to where he wanted it to go.

Wonwoo gave him a mischievous smile. If he was surprised he was doing an amazing job of hiding it. “Maybe I’m just that good?”

“Don’t fuck around. I know there is something going on.”

Wonwoo shook his head, giving him that awkward smile he plastered on his face when he was lying. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t you think that if you’re doing something to me I at least deserve to know what it is?”

Wonwoo shifted uncomfortably on Seokmin’s bed. “I- it’s difficult to explain.”

“We have more than enough time.”

“It’s like- I don’t know how it’s possible, but sometimes when I touch you, I can take something away from you. Mostly sadness and anxiety… You know, that kind of stuff.”

Silence. 

“Can you do it with other people?”

“No, just you.”

_ Just me. _

So it had been Wonwoo all along. It made sense now. The car, the practice room, the endless concerts and variety shows. Was he really that desperate for someone to give him some attention? He wanted to kick himself for even believing that Wonwoo had done everything of his own will, but no, he had been forced to be around him because of some stupid power he had developed. If this was to be the last time they were this intimate, Seokmin just wanted one thing.

_ Just a hug. _

“I could give you one if you want,” Wonwoo said softly.

Seokmin paled. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I know,” Wonwoo said, “I can kind of hear your thoughts too.”

“What?” Seokmin shrieked. “You mean, you can read my thoughts?”

Wonwoo shook his head. “No, it’s not like that. I can only hear bits and pieces here and there. But,” he said in a more serious tone, “my offer still stands.”

Seokmin shook his head, refusing to look at Wonwoo who had padded over to where Seokmin was leaning his back against the wall.

“Seokmin,” Wonwoo whispered, caressing Seokmin’s face with the back of his hand. “Please let me do this.” 

“It’s pathetic,” Seokmin said, turning his face away and biting his lower lip.

“I don’t care,” Wonwoo said as he engulfed Seokmin in a hug. “I’m doing this because I want to. I would do it a thousand times again, with or without these powers.”

Tears poured out of their eyes as soon as their chests touched. People often say that sharing your pain lessens it, but they probably didn’t mean it quite so literally, because Seokmin could swear that he was feeling twice as much pain as he would have felt if he were alone.

“Never do it again,” Seokmin said after several minutes, wiping his tears and pushing himself out of Wonwoo’s embrace.

“Why not?” Wonwoo asked as he closed his eyes, like he already knew the answer.

“Because,” Seokmin said, “it’s hurting you and it’s not fair that you have to sacrifice your own well-being for me.”

“But I don’t want you to hurt.”

Seokmin felt tears well up in his eyes again. “Please, this isn’t the way to do it. It’s unnatural to take my pain away. Everyone has problems. Everyone suffers. And everyone should shoulder their own problems. I don’t want to think about hurting you every time I’m around you.”

“You’re not hurting me,” Wonwoo said in a wobbly voice.

Seokmin gave him a sad smile. “Unfortunately, I am. Please, don’t do it again. Let’s just be around each other like normal people.”

“Alright,” Wonwoo said. “If that’s what you want. Sometimes I can’t control it, though.”

“You’ll- we’ll get used to it.”

* * *

“What do you think happiness is?” Seokmin asked Wonwoo one night, when his character in the video game they were playing reached maximum happiness and life energy.

Wonwoo put down his controller and pulled himself up on his bed, knitting his eyebrows in concentration.

“I like to think of it as the absence of suffering. We suffer because our needs and desires aren’t fulfilled. Some of them are necessary to our well-being, both physical and spiritual. When these basic needs are satisfied, some people strive for more. They think all of their desires are justified when in reality, they are using them to cope with the fact that they don’t really know what they want from life. Fear and uncertainty of the future make people unhappy.”

“Sometimes suffering is necessary to achieve what you seek in life, though.”

“That’s true, but you can find happiness in difficult times as well if you know where to look. Even in certain religions where suffering in life is acceptable, even commendable, it is always a means to an end: happiness. It is people’s ultimate objective in life, which means that we are all on the same boat. We can -and we should- help each other, but some people are too selfish and throw other people off the boat right into the freezing water of nothingness underneath, thinking that it will make the boat go faster. The truth, however, is that you need those people to paddle and make the boat go forwards. The fewer people there are, the longer it’s going to take for it to reach its destination.”

“Are you saying that we should always live in the moment? Because people always tell you to live in the present but those same people pressure you to think about the future, which sucks the life out of you because it is too unpredictable for you to do anything about it other than endlessly worrying.”

“Those are the same people whose only concern in life is money and power. You shouldn’t listen to them.”

“Why should I listen to you then?” Seokmin asked with mischief in his eyes.

Wonwoo sighed. “You’re ruining the mood. Besides, I didn’t say that you should listen to me. I’m just stating my opinions.” He paused. “What do _ you _ think happiness is?”

Seokmin hesitated for several moments before answering. “To love and be loved, which is why some people can’t be happy, because they have no one to remind them that their existence matters to someone, that at least one person would lose something precious in their lives if they were to leave or die. Some people, on the other hand, don’t deserve love. There are too many reasons for me to list. I’m one of those people. I don’t deserve to love people who are too good for me. But it’s ok. I’m doing it regardless of whether I deserve it or not. I’ll do it until the universe punishes me for it. Maybe it already has.”

“Seokmin…”

“Does your offer for the hug still stand?” Seokmin interrupted Wonwoo.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Please?” Seokmin said with outstretched arms and a demanding look on his face.

How was Wonwoo supposed to resist him?

* * *

They were sitting on the couch, focused on the movie they had put on. Seokmin felt himself dozing off several times, head falling on the armrest. He was about to close his eyes again when he felt the familiar pull of Wonwoo doing that _ thing _ and the euphoric bliss that followed.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he said through gritted teeth. “What did you do? What did you do?” his voice got progressively louder as his chest heaved up and down.

“Wh- I didn’t- What are you talking about?” Wonwoo asked with a lost look on his face.

He lifted a hand and brought it close to Seokmin’s face, but he flinched and scooted backwards in the couch, almost falling down as he stood up.

“You can’t just,” Seokmin said, “you can’t just do that! I told you not to do it anymore!”

“But I didn’t do anything!” Wonwoo said, watching Seokmin turn around with his eyes still wide.

He flinched when Seokmin slammed the door to his room.

* * *

As soon as the door slammed shut behind him, Seokmin sank to the ground, sliding his back on the door. He huddled his knees close to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He could feel the rush of panic slowly oozing off of him, and never coming back. It was different this time. There were physical barriers between him and Wonwoo, yet somehow, he seemed to be drawing Seokmin’s negative emotions out of him. Seokmin inched away from the door, gluing himself to the closet on the opposite side of the room. He bit his quivering lips as tears spilled out of his eyes. The moment his panic had faded away, Seokmin knew that there was no way Wonwoo could have touched him. There had been enough space between them to fit at least one other person and Wonwoo’s hands weren’t anywhere near Seokmin. He felt so, so guilty for yelling at Wonwoo. He was probably beating himself up over upsetting Seokmin without intending to, on top of feeling what Seokmin was feeling, which was plain horrible. He choked on a sob as he swaddled himself closer, rocking back and forth on the floor. If there was one thing he could do to make it up to Wonwoo, it was to stay away from him. It was for both of their sakes. That way, Seokmin wouldn’t hurt Wonwoo, and Wonwoo wouldn’t accidentally activate his powers and catch Seokmin off guard. Seokmin had been looking for an excuse to stay away from Wonwoo anyway. He had just been too selfish to actually do it.

Seokmin lifted his head from his knees, where a wet patch of tears had formed on his pants. He looked at his tear stricken face in the mirror, tilting his head to the right. It felt surreal. He felt like he was looking at another person, like the Seokmin that was staring back at him in the mirror wasn’t actually him. He tore his eyes away from the mirror as an uneasy feeling settled in his bones. He couldn’t be there. He needed to get as far as possible from Wonwoo. He needed to protect him.

With a sudden surge of energy in his body, Seokmin stood up and grabbed a sweater while putting on his shoes. He opened the door of his room with force, letting it hit the wall with a loud bang. He ran through the living room and out of the front door, not bothering to see if Wonwoo was still there. He didn’t have a particular destination in mind when he stepped out of the building, so he started walking in a random direction. Seokmin looked at the sky covered with a thick layer of gray clouds that had a pink hue to them. As he took in the view, he felt himself yearning for something and missing it dearly even though he had never had it. It was late and Seokmin was the only person in the streets. The silence was only broken by the occasional car speeding by, making Seokmin’s sweater fly around. He walked, then he walked faster, then faster and faster until he was running through the streets. Maybe if he went far enough the bond that had established itself between Seokmin and Wonwoo would be severed. The crisp wind made his throat burn and his eyes water, but he didn’t stop. He needed to get himself as far as he could from Wonwoo. He had lost his chance at loving someone. The universe was punishing him for his wrongdoings.

He didn’t know how long he ran for, but when he finally stopped in front of a gym, he was panting and sweat was dripping down his face. He pushed himself inside, not even looking at the receptionist who greeted him with a tired smile. His shoes squeaked on the floor as he walked through the silent hallway. No one was there except for him. Seokmin couldn’t remember what he did that night, but he knew that he only stopped when someone told him that they were closing, and he had to be dragged out of the gym. He couldn’t remember how he got home, but he knew that when he arrived, all the lights were off and the house was completely silent. He almost felt like he was intruding in a sacred space with every little noise he made. When he finally made it to his room, his legs gave out under him and he fell on his side. He couldn’t be bothered to pick himself up, so he just passed out on the floor. The carpet was comfortable enough.

Seokmin woke up the next morning with loud knocks on his door, with someone yelling at him to get up. He groaned as he pulled himself into a seating position, feeling his sore muscles protest at the movement.

He made it a point to avoid Wonwoo as much as possible. Realistically, he had to be around Wonwoo all the time, so Seokmin couldn’t exactly stay away from him. However, Seokmin did everything in his power to keep as much distance as he could between himself and Wonwoo. He stopped talking to Wonwoo after that night, muttering an unintelligible excuse every time Wonwoo cornered him until he stopped trying to speak to him. Seokmin would exchange seats with someone else in the car whenever they ended up next to each other, to at least put _ something _ between them. Shows and interviews were a bit trickier. He had to force himself to put on his famous smile and interact with Wonwoo, all while seeing the sadness and longing etched into Wonwoo’s eyes. He had become so absorbed in his little game that he never noticed the yearning looks Wonwoo gave him from across the room, or the way the others glanced nervously between them whenever they crossed paths.

When he found himself sitting next to Wonwoo during dinner, Seokmin pretended not to notice the dejected look on Wonwoo’s face as he moved to the other end of the table. He could feel several pairs of eyes on himself, but he kept his head down and shoved food in his mouth, even though it tasted like paper to him. 

After they were done, Seungcheol grabbed Seokmin by his arm and dragged him into his shared room with Wonwoo. Seokmin didn’t resist as Seungcheol made sit down on his bed like a rag doll. He had it coming. At the back of his mind, a small voice always told him that he couldn’t keep up his act forever. Seokmin chose to ignore it for as long as he could.

“Did something happen between you and Wonwoo?” Seungcheol asked, getting straight to the point.

“No,” Seokmin said, staring at the bedpost.

Seungcheol put his feet on the bed and rested his arms on top of his knees. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he said, “but please, you need to sort things out. You both look miserable, and don’t think no one has noticed.”

Seokmin dropped his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Seungcheol said, giving Seokmin a smile. “Whatever happened, I’m sure you can solve it together, just like you always do.”

“N- No. I- It’s my fault.”

“Then apologize to Wonwoo,” Seungcheol said, softly. “Hang on for a minute. I’ll call him over.”

Seokmin sat there, staring at the palms of his hands. He tried to come up with a coherent apology, but his thoughts didn’t make sense to him anymore. He wanted to make it up to Wonwoo, but he didn’t know how. What was he even supposed to say to Wonwoo? No words could express what he was feeling. He felt so naive for believing that he could have solved the situation just by ignoring it. It turned out this wasn’t one of his ‘ignore it ‘till it goes away’ problems.

He looked up when there was a knock and Wonwoo peeked through the door. He stepped inside the room, standing right in the middle. His nervousness hit Seokmin like a wave crashing down on a cliff, nibbling away at his self-control. Seokmin jumped off Seungcheol’s bed and threw himself in Wonwoo’s arms. He didn’t care how pathetic he looked. In that moment, all that mattered was Wonwoo.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” he said, burying his face in Wonwoo’s shoulders. “I should have let you talk to me, but I was so scared of hurting you again that I didn’t even give you a chance to explain yourself. I’m really sorry.”

Wonwoo remained silent for several moments. “It’s becoming more powerful. I think I can do it without having to come in physical contact with you,” he said. “But we’ll figure it out, won’t we?”

Seokmin hummed in response, taking in Wonwoo’s scent. How they were going to figure it out was beyond him.

They escaped to the rooftop that night. Seokmin sat on the chilly concrete, leaning back until he was lying down. He closed his eyes, letting the gentle breeze mess up his hair. He heard shuffling next to him, and he opened his eyes to see Wonwoo’s face an inch away from his. The stars sparkled in Wonwoo’s eyes. They were beautiful. No word would ever be able to describe the warmth they held, but that night, the warmth was dimmed by a veil of sadness. Seokmin tore his eyes away from Wonwoo’s face, not willing to see the catastrophe that he had caused in him. Wonwoo lay down next to Seokmin, and interlocked their fingers in silence. Seokmin’s fingertips felt cold against Woonwoo’s hand.

They stayed like that all night, with Wonwoo trying to squeeze in some warmth in Seokmin’s hand. Tears escaped Seokmin’s eyes as he stared at the stars, so lonely, so seemingly small and insignificant, yet each and every one of them shone as bright as they could, paying no heed to the brighter, twinkling stars around them.

It didn’t take long before Seokmin heard Wonwoo sniffling next to him. They scooted a bit closer to each other until their shoulders were touching, holding each other’s hands a bit tighter.

Neither of them made a motion to wipe their tears.

Going to the rooftop kind of became their thing. They would go there every night, whether it was midnight or three in the morning. Sometimes they lay down in silence, wrapped in each other’s arms, trying to soak in the other’s warmth because at the back of their minds, both Seokmin and Wonwoo knew that none of it would last long enough. Sometimes they cried while counting the stars scattered around the sky, other times they laughed at their neighbours’ petty arguments. There was always a sound for them to listen to.

That night the only sound that could be heard was the cicadas’ singing ringing through the air. The air was pleasantly warm and fresh, even though there was no wind. It was the perfect weather for a family trip and it was a nice break from the crisp wind of the past few nights. Seokmin lay his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder as they leaned back on the ledge, legs stretched in front of them. He raised an arm and the sleeve of his sweater slid down to his elbow as he traced patterns among the stars with his index finger.

“Do you think,” Seokmin said, “that we’ll be forgotten in a couple of decades? We’ll just become even more insignificant than we are now. We’ll be drowned among a sea of other people, unable to make an impact on the world. Then we’ll just die along with our dreams and hopes and after a few more decades, no one will care anymore.”

Wonwoo leaned back to take a look at Seokmin’s face. “We won’t necessarily be forgotten with no one to care about us even if we don’t do something like saving all of humanity. One does not necessarily have to do grand gestures or be rich and famous to make an impact on the world. Even being kind to a stranger and making their day can make a huge impact upon the world. Maybe that day was the say they were going to give up on everything, but by giving them hope, you might give them something to hold onto to go forwards. The smallest and most insignificant gestures can save a person. To them, it’s their world, and you’ve saved it from crashing down on itself, even if it might seem of little importance to you.”

“I just don’t understand why we’re here. What’s the point? We’re going to die anyway, sooner or later.”

“It’s not pointless. There’s a whole universe out there for us to explore.”

Seokmin lifted his head and looked at Wonwoo, who was busy staring at the sky. Even if there was a whole universe out there, it didn’t matter to him as long as he had Wonwoo on his side.

* * *

“That star is pretty,” Seokmin said one night, “but do you think it’s still alive?”

“What do you mean?” Wonwoo asked, too absorbed in his own thoughts to listen to Seokmin.

“The light could take thousands and millions of years to reach us. The star could already be dead.” Seokmin paused for a long moment. “I wish I could be like that. I wish I could replace myself with an illusion so I could go away without anyone noticing.”

Wonwoo’s blood went cold. “What are you saying?” 

“Nothing. I’m just tired. Will you let me sleep in your arms?”

“No, answer my question.” Panic was eating away at his body like acid. “What did you mean by that?”

“By what?” Seokmin asked innocently.

“That- that you want to go away,” Wonwoo said, trying not to make the way his voice wobbled too obvious.

“It’s just that sometimes I wish I could leave a fake hologram of myself for the cameras and have the real me sleeping and lazing around or something,” Seokmin said in an unconcerned voice. “It’s not that deep.”

“Promise me that you won’t do anything stupid,” Wonwoo said, almost pleading.

Seokmin laughed, avoiding Wonwoo’s eyes. “Now that’s a bit difficult for me.”

“Just- just promise that you won’t ever leave me.”

“I promise I won’t ever leave you if I don’t have to.”

“And I promise I’ll let you sleep in my arms whenever you’re tired,” Wonwoo said, gritting his teeth to stop the tears from flowing.

“Are you afraid of death?” Seokmin asked him after what felt like an hour of silence.

His heart hammered in his chest as he instinctively took a protective hold of Seokmin’s hand. “Not really. I’m not afraid of death as a concept, but I’m scared of dying too soon and not having time to do all the things I want to do. Why do you ask?” Wonwoo anticipated Seokmin’s reply with a heavy heart.

“I’m just afraid of dying alone.”

Something in Wonwoo’s heart shattered.

“But I don’t understand why people are so afraid of death when it’s so intertwined with our lives,” Seokmin said.

“I think that’s exactly why people are afraid of it,” Wonwoo said, tracing patterns on Seokmin’s palms. “It’s a common occurrence, but it’s still a mystery to us. We know what death is and how it affects a person physically, but we don’t know what goes on in the mind after it happens. Like all other fears, our fear of death is based on the lack of knowledge about its nature. When you think about it, though, death is just another stage of life. It’s an interconnected cycle. Without death, life would have no meaning. But we don’t really know what there is after death. I think that’s what scares people the most. That’s where all those theories about afterlife come from. It’s a way for them to console themselves and give an illusion of knowledge.”

Seokmin looked Wonwoo in the eyes with such intensity that it made him shiver on the spot. “Do you think there’s an afterlife?”

“I don’t think there’s anything after death,” Wonwoo mumbled, wondering where Seokmin was going with this line of thought. “You just stop existing, it’s as simple as that.”

“So we need to live in the moment,” Seokmin said as he leaned in to steal a kiss at Wonwoo’s lips.

Instead of fireworks, worry exploded in Wonwoo’s chest.

* * *

Wonwoo was sprawled over Seokmin’s bed, watching him as he rummaged through his closet for a sweater. It had been exactly three months, three weeks and eleven days since Wonwoo last used his powers and he was itching to do it then and there, but he didn’t want to break his promise to Seokmin. Even though they hadn’t talked about those stuff for weeks, Wonwoo felt every emotion that radiated off Seokmin. Some were so strong that they left him dizzy and disoriented. Sometimes he felt whatever Seokmin was feeling despite being in two different places, with hundreds of buildings between them. Of course, Wonwoo hadn’t told anything about his strengthening powers to Seokmin, or else he would have another excuse to avoid Wonwoo and shut himself off again. The desire to help got the better of him, though.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” Seokmin said, head still in the closet. “But go ahead.”

“Can I,” Wonwoo cleared his throat. “Can I use my powers on you just for once? Just for a few moments, I won’t do anything drastic.”

Seokmin stopped and stood up, with his back to Wonwoo. “No.”

“Please,” Wonwoo said, “I can feel your emotions from so far away that I sometimes can’t distinguish between mine and yours. It’s driving me crazy.”

Seokmin turned around, staring at Wonwoo with piercing eyes. “That’s a perfect reason why you should _ not _ do it. Even if you don’t mind being in pain because of me, it can still hurt me. Did you forget what happened in the car? I literally passed out and you had a panic attack. If you don’t care about yourself, then think about the possibility of hurting me. It kind of defeats the purpose of using your powers in the first place.”

Wonwoo shook his head. “That was just a one off thing. It never happened again. We could just try. I’ll stop immediately if something similar happens to either of us.”

“We should let the universe follow its natural course. This,” Seokmin gestured to the space between them, “is not natural. It’s against nature for a human being to not feel any pain.”

“If it’s against nature, then why would I be granted these powers, if not to help you?”

“It’s just a coincidence,” Seokmin said, shaking his head. “There isn’t a hidden meaning in everything. Sometimes things happen just because.”

Wonwoo looked at him with pleading eyes. “Even if this is just a coincidence, it doesn’t mean that I can’t help you.”

“You don’t have to help me. No, you shouldn’t, because this is not your battle to fight. You’re not solving my problem. You’re just helping me ignore it until it becomes too big to handle.”

“You don’t have to handle it all by yourself. Neither now nor in the future.”

“I do,” Seokmin said and Wonwoo’s heart sank. “I don’t need or want your help.”

Wonwoo pushed himself up from Seokmin’s bed as a stifling silence took over them. He walked towards Seokmin, but he held his palm out and Wonwoo stopped in his tracks.

“Do you know why I told you to come here?” Seokmin asked, not waiting for Wonwoo to answer before he continued. “I want to give you a gift. It’s something very special. There are other gifts in here,” he pointed to a box that he had pulled out of his closet. “They’re for the others, but I need you to give them to them because I won’t be here to do it myself.”

_ He won’t be here to do it himself. _ “What?”

Seokmin continued speaking as if he had never been interrupted. “I thought a lot about leaving them here for you to find later, but I wanted to give you yours myself.” Seokmin cupped Wonwoo’s face with a cold hand, sending a shiver down Wonwoo’s spine. “Because you mean too much for me to leave behind without a proper goodbye. I wish I could say goodbye in person to the others too, but I don’t think I would be able to leave if I did it,” he whispered. “I’m sorry that it hurts you that I’m leaving, but it will be better for both of us in the long run. I promise.”

Silence.

“Just please hug me one last time,” Seokmin said, wrapping his arms so tight around Wonwoo he thought he would suffocate.

This could not possibly be happening.

Seokmin shoved a letter and a keychain charm with one of their old photos in Wonwoo’s hands, leaning in for a small kiss before turning on his heels and walking towards the door.

This was not happening.

Wonwoo grabbed Seokmin’s arm, making him stumble backwards. “No, no, you can’t just go like this!” he shouted. “What does leaving even mean? What- what the fuck is this?” Wonwoo waved the letter and the charm in the air.

He knew perfectly well what leaving meant.

He knew perfectly well what those gifts were.

They were memories, and he didn’t want Seokmin to become just a memory.

Seokmin had promised him not to leave him. He wouldn’t break his promise, would he?

But Seokmin didn’t say anything. He just yanked his arm out of Wonwoo’s grip and walked towards the door.

“Why is it so hard for you to understand that I don’t want you to hurt?” Wonwoo shouted, waving his arms up and down in the air.

Seokmin stopped in his tracks. “Because I don’t want you to hurt either,” he whispered, dropping his head before letting tears escape his closed eyes and fall to the floor.

Wonwoo called out after him. He wanted to go after Seokmin but something kept his feet glued to where he was standing. The tears that were brimming his eyes finally made their way down his face silently, like they were trying to wash away whatever feeling Seokmin had left inside of his heart. Wonwoo whimpered when he felt Seokmin’s familiar presence fade away, leaving him with nothing but an empty heart. What Seokmin didn’t understand was that it wasn’t just him that needed Wonwoo. Wonwoo needed him too to feel whole.

But Seokmin wasn’t coming back and he knew it.

* * *

Wonwoo heard a commotion outside Seokmin’s room. Somebody was yelling, there were rushed footsteps and then a door slammed shut. Wonwoo stood in the same spot, staring at himself in the mirror in front of him. His expression was blank, just like his mind. An overwhelming sense of calm washed over him, and he wasn’t startled when the door opened with a bang, revealing a panting Jeonghan on the other side.

Wonwoo felt like he was watching everything through a movie as his heart sped up with fear that wasn’t his. Jeonghan walked over to him and grabbed him by the arms, shaking him as if to knock the gravity of the situation into him.

“What the hell happened?” Jeonghan asked. “What happened? Huh? Answer me!”

Wonwoo tilted his head, lowering it with spastic movements. Tears pooled in his eyes and his lips quivered as he looked up at Jeonghan in the eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

A single tear slipped down his face.

“I could have saved him.”

Another tear.

“But I didn’t.”

More tears made their way down his face as a sob escaped his throat. He shivered as Jeonghan caught him by the arms, lowering him to the ground. He buried his face in Jeonghan’s sweater, not caring that he was soaking it with tears and snot.

It was disgusting, just like he was.

He was a despicable human being.

A sudden, unbearable pain stabbed him in the chest, spreading all over his body. He screamed, lurching forward to gag and empty the contents of his stomach on the floor.

He felt like a part of his soul was being ripped apart from him.

* * *

Seokmin ran out of the door, ignoring the shouts behind him. He thought about how Wonwoo had told him that the universe was made so they could explore it, that everything happened for a reason, but Seokmin had a hard time wrapping his head around it. What use were all the wonders it if all the universe had to offer was pain and suffering? Wonwoo wanted him to live on and see for himself the beauty that the universe held, but was it better to continue living a life that only provided him with suffering or to take matters into his own hands and end that life?

He liked to be in control, so he chose the latter.

People said that true love always prevailed, defeating the darkness, however powerful it may have been. The only thing love had brought to Seokmin, though, was destruction. He had to watch as the palace of dreams he had built for himself crumble to pieces slowly but steadily. Then Wonwoo had come along, the prince in shining armour to save Seokmin’s dreams, but he had ended up under the rubble and the only way Seokmin could save him was to put an end to his existence, hopes, and dreams.

So he climbed up the ledge when he reached the roof, the same place he had spent hours and hours with Wonwoo, talking and looking at the stars. 

Seokmin took a deep breath, taking in the heavy evening air before looking down. He had thought he would be scared, so he would back out at the last moment, but he felt calm. 

Too calm to be comfortable.

He took a step forwards. Half of his feet were dangling off the ledge. It would only take a slight push to send him flying over the street. He heard a door creaking and someone was talking to him, but Seokmin felt like his ears were tapped, as if he was under water.

“I have to fix it,” he said, not sure if anyone heard him.

“Come down, please!” Seungcheol shouted in a desperate voice. “We can fix together!”

Seokmin sighed. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything. There’s no other way to fix this. Tell Wonwoo I love him. I never wanted him to suffer because of me.”

It was all for Wonwoo, the boy who had shown him the beauty of existence.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Complaints? Suggestions?


End file.
